So Cliche...So Cliche

Its time for a new scene at the office Christmas Party. How many blogs, articles, warnings, urban legends do we have to tell before people stop misbehaving at the office christmas party?

And Still..........

My friend's office had a party the theme was the carnival scene from Grease. There was home spun cotton candy, games for prizes, rides, clowns (aaaarggggh), the whole ball of wax.

My friend's Supervisor is kind of odd she brought me along as a casual observer of the madness she endures from day to day. Some of his oddities:

• His wife is a stay at home wife and they have no kids so she comes and sits on the couch in his office twice a week and knits
• He sells his direct reports health powders so they won't call in sick
• He falls asleep in his own meetings while others are talking
• His lunch has a theme "color" each day. Today I'm eating all red foods, green foods, orange foods, etc.

So the stage was already set for hilarity when she told me there was an open bar at her Christmas Party. I was excited about it since I had already excercised the needed restraint of a Senior Executive at my own Christmas Party and was therefore free to cut up at someone else's without risk to my own fifedom.

I was introduced to said boss who saddled up to my darling friend almost upon walking in the door. He was about a foot shorter to me and I had the misfortune to have the foot difference be right in my boobs which he prompted to try to get lost in. After "accidentally" stepping on his brown loafers with my 5.5 inch stiletto boots (Thanks Christian Laboutin, you ROCK), he wisely escorted us to the bar where I was sad to find had none of my favorite guys (Jack, Jim, Johnny Black or Blue, or Jose) Oh well its a double malibu and coke for Ebs......

My friend got a wine spritzer...(Loser!) Her Boss? Got a drink for EACH hand and he was off and rolling. Here are the highlights by rounds:

• Drink Round One -- Asking people if they wanted to play count the Santa Game. One of the Santas was on his underwear and he didn't mind showing them which Santa they missed in the count
• Drink Round Two -- Went on the bumper cars and failed to get off the derby in time when his turn ended and the next group of people started driving cars; spent that go round stumbling trying to not get hit; didn't work people were gunning for him
• Drink Round Three (remember these are two drinks for him per round) -- Tried to relieve Santa (the real one not the one in his pants) of his duties but only for the pretty women, the real santa could keep the ugly ones. Began picking out the ugly ones and trying to create two lines
• Drink Round Four -- Started puking

We left and went to a real party after that but the boss fiasco was not over by any means. My friend crashed at our place because she was too drunk to get home properly. At 5 AM her loud ass Verizon phone went off. Her flipping text message ringtone is the sound of a train barreling through a friggin tunnel. Not cool sweets especially since an Ebs before 11 AM is not a pretty or pleasant Ebs...well pretty maybe but definitely not pleasant

She risked provoking the bear and waking me off for this gem of a text message:

"Please come pick me up and drive me home. I passed out under a trailer last night some cats peed on me and I can't find my Santa underwear." Mr. Bossman

Surprisingly? This man got an end of year bonus AND is still keeping his job. My Friend? Got a $500 gift certificate to Nordstrom's to keep her silence. He forgot about me!!! I'll remind him of that when I take her to lunch in the new year......I still have to make up for that damn Sephora fiasco the other day...I'm gunnin for you Sephora

PS -- The friggin drinks at Gamewerks and STRONG!!! Two zombies knocked me the hell out. I was skipping through downtown Long Beach in my hooker boots feelin no pain. That was hot!!!!!

Soooo Not a Loyalty Program

So yesterday I broke my rule to avoid the mail until January 10th at least. I had to go to Sephora for supplies. I LOOOOOOOOVE Sephora and I was even more excited to go there since I have been racking up points like crazy with my love Sephora Loyalty Card. The last time I was there the sales person was like you have $2 to go to your first reward. I was giddy with delight I couldn't wait to go back to see what I would get for free. My investment in Bebe netted me $10 off per $100 spent and free shipping for a year! That was a great score in my book. My "Love Your Body" card at The Body Shop graciously allows me 15% off of each purchase and book lovers out there are definitely familiar with the $5 gift certificates and 10% off at Barnes and Noble. What would Sephora give me??????

I braved the storm (slight sprinkle for every other region except for Los Angeles), fought the Manhattan Beach soccer moms for parking and dashed into the mall looking straight ahead and not getting distracted by the glittery christmas decorations (Frank Costanza anyone?) and 10000% off posters in the store windows. I was on a mission. Grabbing my Sephora basket I ran through the aisles merrily throwing lip glosses, plumber, glimmer powder, fruity bath gels into the basket eyes glazed with the knowledge of how much cheaper my purchases will be. After waiting for 9000 hours for the sales person to explain the loyalty program to EVERY shopper ahead of me in line, for the other sales person to deal with her register receipt gone amok, it was finally my turn. She rang up my purchases and I excitedly announced "I'm a beauty insider". The lady's eyes lit up and she said give me your email address. I spelled out my email address 50 times and went through the usual banter of did you sing at USC no a song girl is a cheerleader blah blah blah. When my account popped up she sang, "Ebony your eligible for two free gifts.". Whoa! Score! Not one but two gifts that's awesome she bags up my purchases and I saw her throw two tiny tubes of fresh anti wrinkle cream in my bag. She handed it to me and said happy holidays. I looked at her pouty faced and said you forgot my two free gifts! She said I thought I put them in there and peering into my bag she said yes here they are and pulled out my anti wrinkle cream. You've got to be kidding me I've been getting samples like that accompanied by a purse or tote I'd never wear since I've been wearing perfume. What kind of ish is this???? Soooo let down I shuffled out of there not even excited to get home and play with my new products.......

On the way out the "'Greeter" asked if I needed giftwrap I almost said no when I heard this chick squeal with delight at their gift bags. They're these awesome satin pouches. Ha Ha Revenge will be mine sayeth the Ebster. I ran over and held up my big big bag of purchases and said I need 7 large and 7 small please. So my friends no matter boy or girl your Christmas present will be wrapped in a lovely satin Sephora pouch!

I can't boycott Sephora though I should, they should be slapped for that hokey program but that store is the equivalent of a nostalgic candy store for makeup and perfume. Where else could I get the Mai Tai flavored body sugar my husband loves? I thought so!

A Sail, A Willow, Banyan Vines, and a Whirling Dervish

No that's not the beginning of a very unfunny Johnny Carson/Ed McMahon joke...those are the pole moves I learned at Soultree Motion Studios (www.soultreemotion.com). Yes pole dancing but not sleazy pole dancing, yes pole dancing can be classy, there's a fine line but there's a line nonetheless. Every Monday for the past 8 weeks I've been "unleashing my inner goddess". Cliche? Maybe; but very effective. Dirt, Dana, and Lynn have managed to pick up where my Mummy left off in building a woman who is confident of herself, secure in her mind, and content with just being. But that's the inner stuff, the outer stuff uh huh yep the girl has got some moves and the cool part is its a delicious little secret that I can let out only when I wanna.....yipppeeee. Alas Session I is over and there will be no dancing until January 7th unless my darling husband can finally put up my pole...sigh! So thankyou my dear friends at Soul Tree thank you for helping me feed my mind body and spirit and no Dirt I didn't forget to feed my husband the dog or the cat but I did feed myself first!!! Can't wait for Session II!

PS -- Dana you f*in ROCKED last night to Enter Sandman...I heart you!

On a funny note, I found out this morning that I'm hot no matter what. I had a horrible migraine this morning so I skipped the office. Said migraine begged me to walk to the corner store and get a honey bun (yummy). On my way some guys were rolling down the street honking and hollering go hot mama. Now I must mention all I did this morning was take a shower and throw on some sweats....so not the ensemble to reward with whoops and yells. But yell they did well its possible that they are the type that will yell and whoop at anything resembling the female form....balloon officially deflated. But the honey bun was great and my headache is now a dull thud...thanks Little Debbie!

One Year Ago Today.................

One year ago today I got married. It was a pretty wedding at the Ritz Carlton in Marina Del Rey. I got married because I loved my husband, because he loved me, because he asked and despite many examples to the contrary after dating awhile I thought it impolite to say no. I married him because he was The One. Over Thanksgiving Break my husband and I drove to Arizona to watch my beloved Trojans beat up on the Sun Devils and to have turkey and pie with his frat brother Rob. On the drive we listened to many many songs on my favorite toy my Microsoft Zune and we talked about many things. The subject of bad bad dates came up and then I realized what the underlying reason was behind my marriage....read the following examples and see if you wouldn't have run screaming to the altar:

1. Volkswagon Vanogon Guy -- I went to this club called The Century Club. For years on Sunday this was the place to be in LA. Usually you could find any assortment of athletes, minor urban celebrities and the people who stalk them. This particular night I was content to stay at home I had a feeling there would be "unkies" (ugly monkey guys) there that night and when there's no eye candy I tend to act up something terrible especially when plied with my favorite apertif (Jack N Cherry Coke). The Century Club did not disappoint after 5 very frightening encounters with the dregs of LA I was prompted to sit at a corner table not making eye contact with ANYONE. Alas, the Jack N Cokes got to me and I had to take a lap to the bathroom and then it happened: I ran into the ONLY cute guy in the whole place. I darted to the bathroom shoved some hopeless chickens aside and dashed out to meet my evening's entertainment. He was tall, he was clean, his teeth were straight and he could speak in complete sentences...SCORE! We exchanged numbers, he bought me a drink I refused to step on the dance floor for fear he had no rhythm and my whole evening would be ruined so I quit while I was ahead. I SOOOO should have just left it alone. Electric Slide to two days later and he calls, we chit chat for a while and decide to meet up the next day at 7. Date night arrives and I'm looking my usual lovely self......at around 6:50 my doorbell rings and its HIM woo hoo ten minutes early how cool! We walk down my freakishly perilous spiral staircase ( I don't trip or fall in my ho heels...go me!) and we start walking toward his car. We pass several nice cars and eventually stop at a friggin BLUE Volkswagon Vanagon. Wow! Really? Now at this point in the story I have to own up to being a little bit of a snob..but I was born and raised in LA on the Westside I can't help it. But I soldiered on I let him open the door for me but he had to open it the "Ren McCormick from Footloose" way...but he's a gentlemen....awww. I hop in and he hops in and sinks about a foot due to the groove worn in his seat. He looks at me and hands me a Mag Flashlight and says..."Turn this on and shine it out of the window, my headlights are broken. You don't mind if we take the back streets do you?" Do I need to finish the story?

2. Puddle Boy -- This one would probably be the beginning of a very mild script on Law and Order: SVU but I'm telling it anyway. My dear dear friend Kwazi took me to see Janet Jackson. Kwaz is a Program Director for a very popular radio station so he had much juice and we were invited to the very very exclusive after party which was awesome. There was Open Bar ALL NIGHT!!!!! All I need for something to be awesome! After many many Jack N Cherry Cokes everyone at the party looked like the pretty people. Kwazi has had a crush on me since University (Go Trojans) but we decided long ago to still be friends so when opportunities to arrive to meet women my Protector usually abandons me and leaves me to the wolves and this night was SCARY. Again, fooled by a juxtaposition, the one "Normal" guy comes up and starts talking to me. I've had many drinks again due to the open bar situation so the warning signs that usually would go off in my head were dulled by my good friend Jack. Warning signs like it looks like one of his front teeth is shorter than the other one, he's a little paunchy, he's a high talker, he's wearing a football jersey to a club, did I mention one of his front teeth is shorter than the other? I did? It was worth repeating. Somehow I give him my number, actually Jack Daniels gave him my number. The next morning my head was ringing well actually that was my phone BLARING at me at 9:00 AM. Its gotta be my Mummy no one else IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would call me prior to noon especially considering the drinks I had. I pick up the phone...why oh why did I answer...who is it??? The guy from last night. The ugly ones always call right away they ignore the two day rule. We talk he says he owns a clothing shop...I'm a girl I like clothes, he was talking my language so what if he only featured urban designers free clothes are free clothes. Somehow the warning signs from last night were mottled by my headache. We agree to meet at his shop. Somehow I find the strength to tart myself up and I jet over to the shop. When I get there oh boy it all comes flooding back to me....the beer belly, the peg leg tooth, the high voice...he is NOT CUTE. He tries to hug me and I use my cheerleader flexibility to escape. He says Oh baby you are finer than I remember...really? You're uglier than I remember so we're even. He says I got so excited thinking about you coming over here that I did this and he points to a puddle of substance on the floor....yes I said it.....a puddle on the floor...hence the name puddle boy. Needless I fled without my promised shoes and urban designer clothing which I could have sported to my annual treks to The Coliseum for Trojan Football because I wouldn't be caught dead wearing Meoshe or Enyce anywhere else...damn

3. Surprise I'm Naked Guy -- LA is a big town, but a small one. Yes there's the glitz and glamour but really there's only about 4 or 5 clubs that are hot at a time hence you tend to see the same people. I engaged with a flirtation with this guy he was tall, muscular, nice and oh so so hot. We flirted for a friggin year, yes a year. We would smile he would buy me drinks but for some reason neither one of us pressed each other for our numbers we were content to be club boyfriend and girlfriend. My best friend Nichole got tired of our little game and she broke the magic (you'll understand later). One night at an album release party she went stomping over to my lovely club boyfriend and gave him my number....sigh somehow I knew it was the beginning of the end. He called me and I finally found out he was Fitness Director at 24 Hour Fitness (explains the muscles) and he was temporarily living in a hotel in Marina Del Rey until he could close on his house....Sweet! Cute, employed, upwardly mobile....maybe I was being pessimistic. I have never been more wrong. We agree to meet. We go to the movies, he falls asleep, we then get something to eat, we have nothing to say to each other. I'm thinking to myself, maybe I can at least get a good mack session out of this he's got kissable lips and I'm a sucker for them. So we go back to his hotel/house/condo/townhome. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom as soon as we hit the door....he comes out and goes "Ta Da!" and he's naked. Now he looked good but that was just presumptuous...and thus, my club boyfriend went the way of the Dodo. Nicole broke the magic had we stayed club boyfriend and girlfriend it would have been all good I would have never known he was Krazy with a K.

4. Polygamy Man -- Again The Century Club, I should have learned. Nicole dragged me to another crazy Sunday Night in Century City. I have a rule, I don't date Africans, why? Because they're friggin crazy! I had more than 5 years of dating experience to know. I broked my rule I was fooled by his chest, his smile, his conversation. I tempted fate I rattled off my number. He called me the next evening to find out how my day went I was pleasantly surprised by the ease of conversation...not the usual pressure I got from his fellow peeps. We made arrangements to meet that Saturday afternoon. Friday comes around and he calls to confirm and says that he wants to take me shopping....again had I not learned anything from Puddle Boy? "gold digger" is not an outfit that fits me well. Saturday dawns bright and sunny a perfect day for spending someone else's money. My lovely doorbell chimes and its him. I prance ( no ho heels on the spiral stairs this time, Ebbie was rockin her shell toes) down the stairs to his Big Black Benz. Even though the windows were tinted I saw a head in the back seat. Hmmm that's strange I would have brought a buffer too had I known they were allowed. I press on so blissfully unaware at what I was about to experience.......he opens the door for me and I get in the car...Who's in the back seat? An older woman in tribal garb.....now this is really strange who's chaperone is she? Mine? His? He gets in the car and says my dear I'd like to introduce you to my first wife.....WTF..I didn't know what to say....but I did pick up some lovely Manolos and a cute dress! Hey...don't judge me I wasted precious LipGlass on that date.

5. Dialysis Boy -- Another trajedy from the Century Club; Apparently I'm a firm believer in "If at first you don't succeed.". I met this guy who was cute kept my attention. He was a good dancer we grooved to all the beats AND he bought me drinks all night without putting on the moves. Turns out he's a CIA basketball player at home from South America to get some medical treatment. That should have been a red flag but it wasn't; I was enjoying the dance glow. So me and boy wonder exchange numbers plan to talk. Next two days he calls me (he obviously read "The Rules") and we make plans to watch the game at his place it was the playoffs and that's the only time I watch Basketball on the TV. He picks me up gentleman that he is and drives me there. It wasn't until we left my safe enclave of West Hollywood that my marvel at chilvary had left me without an escape route..ewwww! So we arive at his apartment in Long Beach and not the nice part of Long Beach may I add. I'm greeted by an expansive living room furnished with bean bag chairs. Are you friggin serious???? Seriously! I sit in the chair as gracefully as you can sit in a bean bag chair..I sure wish I had've been taking classes at Soultree then! We watch the game and he then says he has to excuse himself to take care of something. A small bell went off in my head but it was a wedding table bell not a church bell so I was still ok. Next thing I know he comes out with an IV Pole with a bag attached and proceeds to "clear his kidneys" in the living room with everyone there! Yes on a first date. Now I believe in putting all of your cards on the table but only when you're serious and there's a diamond involved. This was too much for a meet n greet! I tried to hide my shock but as the bag filled with golden water I almost lost it. I triumphantly stayed through the game but became "very ill" and he drove me home. He pierced the silence with "I can still have sex even with the bag". I don't know what I said but I know I didn't date for a long time after that and I did change my number.

So see why I got married? I could go on these aren't even the best stories I have there's one involving a freshly shaved head being rubbed violently on my....oh I won't go into it the horror still haunts me....I guess what I'm trying to say is: Happy Anniversary Baby Thank You for Saving Me!!!!!! Yes that puts the women's movement back like 100 years but you walk a mile in my stilettos and tell me you wouldn't have jumped in the big white..ooops I could have never gotten away with wearing white (Sorry Grandma) ivory dress

My Awesome Story

I played question roulette with my Blogger Profile and I got the following prompt:

"Quick the children are waiting, tell them the story about the frog and the wig." So I typed an awesome story and clicked "Save Profile" .

You know what Blogger told me?

There's errors below and I scrolled down and it said "Answer must be AT MOST 400 characters". It didn't tell me that before, there was no warning, there were no signs, there wasn't even a character count to help me copyright and edit. I had this same problem with my "About Me" section last night. I should have learned my lesson then but I didn't. I'm not surprised by that. When I eat cold "Mommy Fried Potatoes and Onions" I get hiccups and I know when I'm tossing them in my mouth I will get hiccups that doesn't stop me. So today when I encountered a free form space on Blogger that said I could type what I want and I typed without thought to a character limit, I should not have been surprised that I ran up against one. Fun Ebbie Fact: I'm incredibly stubborn and hard headed people blame it on my being a Taurus the Bull I think I'm just stubborn and hard headed.

But here in the blog the character is my King and I get to share my story anyway just not in the profile section; Take that Blogger neener neener. Here's my awesome thirty second fairytale, I hope you think its awesome too:

Once upon a time there was a bald frog who sported a wig everywhere he went. One day he happened upon a fly who asked him, "why do you wear a wig?" The frog replied to the fly, "I'm the only species here in this forest who doesn't have hair, I wear the wig because it makes me like everyone else." The fly said,"Silly Frog, you're not bald you have skin instead of a coat that's the only difference. You're not missing anything and you're making yourself hot! Take off that wig". The frog took off the wig and immediately felt better and thought to himself, "Im hungry." So he stuck out his tongue and ate the fly. That.....is F*ed UP!!!!